Psychology: September 1^st.

Not everything is rosy, sweet, still and peaceful. There is of course the mind and the seasoned conditioning of my psychology. Here you are. I thought I packed you away in one of those 50 boxes stacked in the garage to be hauled out at MY convenience, some other time. I gave away and sold almost everything that did not serve me, but you, YOU, could not be pawned off on anyone. Nope, you came right along with me taking up an enormous amount of space in the Subaru, and I feel the squeeze. There is a fine line between musing and amusing.

I observed a small boy and his mother at a diner in Flagstaff. Emotions were arising on the small boy’s face and tears began to fill his big brown eyes. Mama’s stern finger cautioned him not to go there and be still. He swallowed hard, bit his lip and placed his little sun-glazed arm on hers. I felt my own longing for approval and love. If I am good enough and well behaved I will be liked and appreciated. For those moments I felt my own mother’s disapproval and witnessed my childhood as merry-go-round of love granted and love withheld with my mother controlling what horse I rode, what music was played and how long the ride would be.

Being alone renders certain benefits. In these moments I can fully engage in this scene at the dinner and journey into my past with its feelings of confusion, desperation and longing. I can see the story line emerging that shaped a belief system of “I’m not good enough”. I felt the fragmentation and disjointed orientation to life, which clouded most of my relationships. This is not a new revelation by any means, but in this small vignette I acknowledged the truth of how my buttons got installed. I saw the “I-me” arising out of a need to survive.

It was in nature that I found sanity. Our red-shingled house sat on acres and acres of woods that I freely roamed. It was here that true inner peace was experienced unencumbered by the will of parents and their own need for love and approval. It was deep in the quiet of nature that I found solace and god. Here I would sing, here I rested in a power greater than myself, here I learned there was another force carrying everyone and everything, and here I learned of an unconditioned presence that had no need to love or not to love.

The newness of everything here, people, work and place, jolts me out of a comfort zone that was numbing and dull. Life is alive, not always comfortable and I reflect on my own courage to stay in the ring, even if I am hanging onto the ropes.