Doing and undoing

End of September

I am aware that I do not know today's date as my day-minder begins to have less meaning. I am also aware, that most of my writing has been in my journal where I luxuriate in run-on sentences and misspelled words and empty space to write as large or as small as I want. There I can doodle and say nothing at all that has any lasting value beyond the moment of self -indulgence. But here at this juncture it feels important to write.

Today I went to the Cornville post office where there is never a line and where people call each other by their first name. Country folk talk to each other about family and their knees and who they ran into today as they keep abreast of how everyone is doing. Outside a portly cowboy talks of his children to friend down the road. “Yep, she is going to tie the knot, two down and one to go." This “knot” gets tied interlocking community and family, and everyone seems to feel a little safer when their kids look like they are settling down.

And here I am untying the knots, undoing what has held me to forms and roles and responsibilities. I have wrestled with many knots. Some have been picked apart by my finger nails. Others have had to be soaked to loosen the grip. All these knots have served me holding it altogether. Now I want nothing more than to loosen their hold and travel without a tether.

It does not serve me to answer the question, "Well, what are you going to do?" It is not about a plan of action. It is about trying on new clothes from the wardrobe of life and seeing how they feel. My heart desires this freedom to breathe more deeply into each nuance. If I do not, surely I will suffocate. So better to ask what is next.

So, here what I can tell you is that on the 6^th of October I leave Grace Grove Retreat and head for the north rim of the Grand Canyon. Why not? It is here and I have never been. Victor, a dear friend and great travel buddy, is from driving out from upstate NY to meet me and Jane and Lee for a little adventure before I head back to Santa Fe at the end of October. From there I begin my journey to the east coast.

Stay with me as the sojourn to nowhere (Now Here) continues.

Onward!

September 16th

I have attempted to write a new entry several times and words are not flowing. So I go to the bottom line where I say “onward!” I have hit many bumps in the road in my life and the cancellation of this position so early on in my journey was yet another one.

Retreating back to Santa Fe was not an option and so here I am volunteering my time for a smaller, morphed form of One Spirit Weekend in exchange for my tent space and food.

Becoming comfortable with the uncomfortable.

Silence

September 10^th, 2009

No words yet. For the next five days I will be in Lockett Meadow on Humphreys Peak. Thought someone should know.

A week in review, just the facts....

Saturday August 29: Going Away party for Martin Gray.

Sunday August 30: Hot. Went to the Flagstaff and Humphreys Peak to cool down.

Sunday Evening: Back at Grace Grove, Puma and Morgan invite me to join them on the roof to watch a sunset. They disclose that they have made a decision that affects me. They are cancelling One Spirit Weekend and are no longer in need of my services.

August 31: Day of disorientation. Evening Gong Bath Experience in Sedona.

September 1: Wrote a blog. Answered emails. Feeling into the shock. Evening sweat lodge with native from Pine Ridge Res.

September 2: Talked to Morgan. Looking at options.

September 3: Morgan not available. Went to Sedona. Heard about an amazing way to clear sun-scum off of car headlights.

September 4: Met with Morgan. Job description ended, funds slashed. Staying on for one month. Finding words to talk about this shift.

Psychology: September 1^st.

Not everything is rosy, sweet, still and peaceful. There is of course the mind and the seasoned conditioning of my psychology. Here you are. I thought I packed you away in one of those 50 boxes stacked in the garage to be hauled out at MY convenience, some other time. I gave away and sold almost everything that did not serve me, but you, YOU, could not be pawned off on anyone. Nope, you came right along with me taking up an enormous amount of space in the Subaru, and I feel the squeeze. There is a fine line between musing and amusing.

I observed a small boy and his mother at a diner in Flagstaff. Emotions were arising on the small boy’s face and tears began to fill his big brown eyes. Mama’s stern finger cautioned him not to go there and be still. He swallowed hard, bit his lip and placed his little sun-glazed arm on hers. I felt my own longing for approval and love. If I am good enough and well behaved I will be liked and appreciated. For those moments I felt my own mother’s disapproval and witnessed my childhood as merry-go-round of love granted and love withheld with my mother controlling what horse I rode, what music was played and how long the ride would be.

Being alone renders certain benefits. In these moments I can fully engage in this scene at the dinner and journey into my past with its feelings of confusion, desperation and longing. I can see the story line emerging that shaped a belief system of “I’m not good enough”. I felt the fragmentation and disjointed orientation to life, which clouded most of my relationships. This is not a new revelation by any means, but in this small vignette I acknowledged the truth of how my buttons got installed. I saw the “I-me” arising out of a need to survive.

It was in nature that I found sanity. Our red-shingled house sat on acres and acres of woods that I freely roamed. It was here that true inner peace was experienced unencumbered by the will of parents and their own need for love and approval. It was deep in the quiet of nature that I found solace and god. Here I would sing, here I rested in a power greater than myself, here I learned there was another force carrying everyone and everything, and here I learned of an unconditioned presence that had no need to love or not to love.

The newness of everything here, people, work and place, jolts me out of a comfort zone that was numbing and dull. Life is alive, not always comfortable and I reflect on my own courage to stay in the ring, even if I am hanging onto the ropes.